Depression/Anxiety, God, Life & Struggles, Relationship & Heartbreak, Uncategorized

I Will Love You In Your Darkest Moments

You sit on the edge of your bed with your face in your hands, cobwebs hang from the corners of your ceiling. Your blinds are drawn tightly and your phone is switched off. It’s morning but you’re still tired. It’s Wednesday, but it feels like Sunday. Your days are all running into each other, like ink on wet paper.

I will love you in your darkest, when it feels like you’re living in slow motion. I’ll help you dust the webs that have been gathering in your heart. I’ll open your window and let the light in. I’ll remind you what day it is.

Your notebook sits untouched for days. Your pen is too heavy to hold. You feel like a hypocrite writing about beauty when all you feel is pain. So you let the pages blow away, and lay collecting dust underneath your bed.

I will love you in your darkest, when it feels as though you’re treading water and not getting anywhere. I will hold your hand until the words flow from your fingertips and onto your keyboard. I will remind you that your dreams are relevant and you’re making a difference in this world. 

You stand by the cliffs edge. You take one-

step

closer

and the ground begins to sway under your feet. You look down and imagine how it’d feel to throw everything painful into that bottomless void. You cry out for someone to tell you that this isn’t the way, that your life is important.

I will love you in your darkest, I will be there calling you back into my arms. I will tell you how much I love you, and that there’s purpose for your life. I’ll guide you away from danger and back into safety. 

You fall asleep holding your pillow. There’s a dried tear on your cheek, and your dreams are a tangled mess. You toss and turn and no amount of chamomile tea can put you to sleep.

I will love you in your darkest, I will hold you close until you fall asleep. I’ll dry your tears and stroke your cheeks. I’ll sing to you about the stars, and when you wake up with nightmares I’ll whisper into your ear-

“I will love you in your darkest moments.”

This is me describing the unconditional love that God has for His children.

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Life & Struggles, Uncategorized

Growing Pains & Stretch Marks

When I was little my biggest fear, and by fear I really mean phobia, was growing up. I was terrified of having to deal with all the responsibilities that came with being an adult. I was the girl version of Peter Pan. I wanted to escape reality and fly to Neverland, a place where I could forever be young.

I loved those carefree days filled with constant excitement and imagination. I spent my days licking lollie pops and ice-cream while playing under the cotton candy sky. I climbed tall trees (and almost gave my mum a heart attack in the process), I scraped my knees and ran barefoot with mud between my toes.

When I thought of growing up I immediately pictured myself scrubbing floors, making phone calls and sorting through piles of bills.

When I was a child I never knew what I wanted to do when I was an adult. I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted to live my life in the moment. I figured I’d cross that bridge when I came to it. And to be honest, at twenty I’m still crossing that bridge.

Growing up was awkward at times, but for the most part it came very naturally. I didn’t wake up one morning and suddenly I was given the title adult. It happened slowly. One growing pain at a time. One stretch-mark on my hip. One minute closer to adulthood.

Now that I’m technically an adult I’ve come to realize that none of us ever really grow up completely. We will always hold on to those fairy-tales and photographs. We will always have that inner child inside of us.

We will always have those moments when we feel compelled to run down those hills and eat that huge bag of skittles. We will have those moments when we’ll laugh at something until our drink comes out our nose. We will have those moments when we’ll crack a joke at the wrong time, or trip on our shoelaces.

We will always chase freedom and adventure, and that’s just human nature. It doesn’t mean that you haven’t grown up, it just means that you’re loving life, just like children do.

Of course there are responsibilities that come with growing up though. We have to earn money, study, drive cars and learn how to pay bills. But all those things come naturally in your right time. And honestly, it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. Actually I find all those things interesting and fun in a weird way.

None of us will ever finish growing up. We will always be growing, and learning new things. It’s a journey that won’t end until we draw our last breath.

When you’re an adult you’ll still be able to enjoy the things you did when you were little. You won’t be doomed to a life of dull house-duties as soon as you turn eighteen. You’ll just be entering a new and exciting phase in life. Trust me-

Adulting isn’t as scary as it may seem. I promise.

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Life & Struggles

The Six Struggles Of Being An Empath

1) Small Talk.

I know that for me personally, I switch off and start daydreaming if I’m not having a deep conversation. I’m not sure why, but most empaths simply don’t like talking about the weather or the most popular brand in lipstick. We love engaging in meaningful conversations with people who share similar values.

2) Being In A Group Setting.

Being an empath can be draining at times, especially if we’re around a lot of people. We are like a vacuum cleaner for people’s emotions. Without meaning to, we suck everything up. Including negative energy. We have a gift (or curse) for feeling everyone’s emotions. Sometimes we even become confused about whether it’s our own emotions or someone elses. So, being around a lot of people at once can be extremely tiring for an empath.

3) Unresolved Conflict.

Empaths have the natural peacemaking instinct. In a nutshell, we will try to resolve conflict ASAP.

4) Mundane Tasks.

Empaths love to be mentally stimulated. We love adventure, travel and excitement. Mundane chores, shallow conversations, or activities that aren’t exhilarating can be an empaths worst enemy. Routines often don’t work for an empath. As much as we love the idea of being organized and following a set routine, it can become very boring and hard for us to follow it for a long period of time.

5) Being The Dumping Ground For Other Peoples Emotions.

People are drawn to empaths and usually will feel very comfortable venting to us about their problems and daily struggles. For an empath this can be extremely overwhelming and draining. We may even put up a wall or go into ‘daydream’ mode when someone starts dumping their problems on us. And it’s not that we don’t care or want to help-trust me we do. It just can be too much for us to take sometimes.

6) Feeling Grumpy, Depressed Or Anxious For No reason.

Empaths carry a lot of weight on their shoulders. We deal with a lot of feelings on a daily basis. Some of which are ours and others come from the people we’re surrounded with. Empaths sense what the people around them are feeling, and often we don’t know how to deal with all those emotions. As a result our mood can get confused. We can all of a sudden feel frustrated, angry, sad or anxious, for what seems like no reason at all.

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Relationship & Heartbreak, Uncategorized

Almost Lover

I dreamt of you last night and I woke up feeling empty. I knew you for no longer than six months and yet you stole a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back, and that’s okay.

It all started out as an innocent friendship. You made me think about life, and somehow you pulled me out of the hole that I’d buried myself in years ago. You made me see things with new eyes, and I loved that. Working became fun and everything mundane was like an exciting adventure. And I love adventure. You’d tease me and play pranks on me. You made me laugh like I never had before. You encouraged me to set goals and dream big. You made me believe in myself. And in the process, I was being swept away by your current.

And later when my life was falling apart, you were there for me. You listened to me talk about the painful breakup I was going through. You listened to me vent about my struggles and insecurities. It felt easy to talk to you, like you understood me. You didn’t tell me that everything would be okay, that life would get better. But you did walk me through it, you did the best thing-you listened and reassured me that you’d be here for me.

Then something happened.

Something changed in your eyes and I felt as though you were falling in love with me. I’d look up from my work and you’d be staring at me. And to be honest it scared me a little. We were so different. I know people say that opposites attract, but opposites will always be opposites, and I was scared that we’d eventually drive each other mad. And besides, you didn’t believe in a God…

But when you told me you had feelings for me I buckled. I couldn’t friend-zone you anymore, because I started falling for you. We met for lunch and talked constantly, but you didn’t make a move. You seemed content with our 2:00am conversations. You said you wanted to take things slowly, after all I had just been through some crazy stuff. And I understood. I was over the moon you were willing to wait for me.

Then the messages slowed down.

The thing is, you were colour blind, and my heart was a kaleidoscope. my heart was an always changing array of colours and patterns. But when you looked at my heart all you saw was black and white, maybe grey. You had no idea how much faith I had in you. Because if you did, you wouldn’t have given up on me so easily.

A few months later, when I had adjusted to the idea that they’d never be such a thing as ‘us’, you walked back into my life. You danced around excuses and told me that you only distanced yourself from me because you felt like I deserved better. You told me that I was too good-looking to be with you. You said sorry a zillion times and I finally forgave you. I let you back into my life. But this time, I only let you in as a friend. I didn’t want to be dragged along your current again. I had taught myself to swim and I wasn’t going to drown for the second time.

Then all of a sudden you disappeared. You deleted all your social media accounts and just like that I was forced to forget. You didn’t even reply to my last message…

Sometimes I still walk along your street, hoping that I might see you again. Just to ask if you’re okay. I’ve seen you drive past me, but I hang my head and look the other way. I don’t know what to say.

Even though I still dream of you, I’m happy without you. I’ve moved on and quite frankly you’ve made me stronger. So for that, I want to thank you. 

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Depression/Anxiety, Uncategorized

I’m Not A Hermit. I just have Anxiety

My front door mocks me. With a squeaky, creaky laugh it opens up from its hinges and dares me to walk outside. But I know what’s out there. I know there’s pain and people with turned up noses on the other side of that door…and honestly that scares me.

I’m curious about what the world looks like, I dream of traveling to exotic islands and red deserts.

But I have anxiety. And it affects every aspect of my life. I feel like I’ll suffocate if I’m around too many people. I feel like my legs will give way if I walk by myself. My brain is a pendulum. It swings freely from one bad scenario to the next.

So I live life through my books. I travel without leaving my home. But even that get’s boring after a while.

I dream up bright coloured fantasies of talking to people from different cultures, and running my fingers through the dirt of every country I visit.

I dream of the day I can walk down to the grocery shop without having an anxiety attack. I dream of the day I can turn that door knob and walk outside…free.

But in the meantime I feel as though life is passing by, and no one even notices. I’m living under a roof and four walls, with my words and dreams. But I just want to fly.

I wish I wasn’t so afraid of the world. I wish that I felt safe. I wish I was fearless and outgoing. I wish that the world was a safe, gentle place without criticism and hate.

No, I’m not a hermit. I’m not just shy or quiet…I have anxiety.

God, Help me.

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Depression/Anxiety, God, Life & Struggles, Uncategorized

Why Happiness Scares Me Sometimes

Happiness scares me sometimes because after being sad for so long it feels foreign. I had broken wings for a while and now I can finally fly, but part of me has forgotten how. It takes some time for me to stretch my wings out and find the courage to jump.

Happiness scares me sometimes because it’s temporary. In the blink of an eye everything can fall in pieces around my feet. Happiness is often momentary. It may last a while, but sadness is inevitable.

Happiness scares me sometimes because I’m terrified of falling. When I’m happy I’m on top of the world but those kinds of heights scare me. Because if I fall, I’m falling into depression. Which is worse than falling from a cliff.

Happiness scares me sometimes because I wonder if it really is happiness. I mean, I’ve been without it for so long I’ve almost forgotten the feeling. Is this really happiness? Or is it simply an illusion?

Happiness scares me sometimes because I often feel like I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel really happy.

Happiness scares me sometimes because I don’t like change. And when I’m sad it feels odd to finally feel happy. And when I’m happy I know that I’ll have to eventually readjust to being sad at some point.

These words I wrote are simply what I’ve been struggling with lately-not always. 

 Sadness is a feeling that we all experience at some point in our lives, but with God by our side we can get through any struggle. And if you ask Him, He will guide you back to happiness again. Just seek His Word.

Happiness isn’t something that should feel foreign or be feared. It’s God’s desire that His people find happiness and live life to the fullest.

Love, Joy, Peace…

If you are struggling with depression I truly pray that you will find deliverance with Gods help and you’ll be able to experience a joy that’s amazing.

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God, Life & Struggles, Uncategorized

Living Life To The Fullest

When I look around, I see people floating through life with no real passion.

They’re looking but not seeing. Talking but not saying anything. Full but not satisfied. Laughing but not happy. Smiling but crying on the inside. Walking but not getting anywhere. I see empty shells. People who’re sad and don’t live to their potential because they’re holding something back. *And I’m talking about myself here too.

For so long I’ve lived a lie. I woke up every morning only with the desire to go back to sleep. I was empty, lacking peace and joy.

I still go through these phases in life, when everything seems dark and cold. When I seem lost in a deep hole and it feels like I’ll never climb out.

“But the thing is, I’m never lost. Not really. Because God is always with me.”

And with God, I can live life to its fullest. I can wake up with an excitement filling my stomach. I see beauty and colours like never before. I feel like I can conquer the world. Anything is possible-the possibilities are endless.

Here’s a few things you can do to start living life to the fullest:

Start the day off right. This is a big one. The way you start your day will make a huge difference in how the rest of your day goes. I find that when I start the day with God it really lifts my spirit and makes me feel so much more at peace throughout the day. I also like to spend twenty minutes doing positive affirmations. I’ll make a healthy breakfast and then shower.

Eliminating negativity is also a really important way to live life to the fullest. Negativity can come in many different forms. You may have to distance yourself from people who are negative. You may want to stop reading the gossip sections in the magazines. Or stop listening to music that doesn’t have a positive message.

Practise self-love on a daily basis. Spending an hour a day to take some time to yourself can be really beneficial. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Take yourself on a coffee date, paint those toe nails, do a face mask, drink tea, go for a walk or read a book. The options are infinite. Simply do something for yourself on a daily basis and don’t neglect your needs.

Stay away from toxic people. Toxic people are the ones who suck the joy out of your life. They manipulate, demand and don’t treat you the way you need to be treated. Try to stay away from the people who aren’t kind and thoughtful, the people who make you feel bad about yourself. Of course it can be hard to always stay away from these people, but try to not let their negativity take over your happiness. Show them that you can smile and love life-even when they’re trying to bring you down. Be an example of God through your attitude. And don’t forget to pray for them.

Look after your body. Your body is your home, the place your spirit will live for your whole life. So treat your body with love and respect. Nurture your body by eating healthy foods, drinking lots of water and healthy smoothies. Exercising, stretching and getting lots of sleep. Take your vitamins, dry skin brush, do hair masks and use natural, organic products on your body. Treating your body kindly can really improve your confidence which can help you to live life to the fullest. You have to try it to believe it.

Most importantly make God your priority. Rely on God throughout the day, through the good and the bad times. Talk to Him about everything and give your life to Him. Everything already belongs to God, but the minute you surrender your life to the one who is in control you will have so much more peace. Life will become new and exciting.

With God you will be able to live life to the fullest.
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